I swear.. I thought I was living in the state of amazing light… and now I am seeing myself in a tunnel of learning…and i want to admit it is pretty painful.  I am watching my thoughts , petty as they can be, as then judging myself for having them… what a f-ing day mare that is going on… i feel the physicality of negativity… really pretty amazing , like a lump floating between my stomach and heart… robbing me of an appetite… oh too bad…

i need my sense of humor back ASAP.. life is sure more fun and rewarding when i am floating down stream, and not experiencing this resistance feeling,,, sort of like , like everything SHOULD be different then they are.. and somehow I won’t be able to care for myself.  and basically that is the same feeling that horrified me my whole life so far… That is the FEAR OF THE FEAR… the very whiff of fear…