not my own friend…..equals not a good moment! or life … cause life is in the

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moment!

Try to picture time! Try to do anything with time! There is no such thing– not in solid form anyway– it is just a perception, I think. I don’t want to say it- cuz maybe it is something that people have proved that I don’t know about…and I will be WRONG! which is a hilarious subject all to itself… right?

70 years took no time…. today was longer… how does that actually work?I am clueless for sure… I don’t think there is anything there… just illusion and a clock. and of course, an agreed upon  perception,,, even if we don’t know that we are compliant we go along, we meet at certain agreed upon times… school starts at a time we all agree exists…yada

Anyway.. I have been in retrograde for a few days – matching the planets perhaps… but certainly not doing what it takes to feel good…I have not been my own friend… i have been reiterating how afraid I feel… every time I say it I feel it again and again….just the same or maybe more… ‘ I AM IN RETROGRADE- JUST LIKE MERCURY!” But i  have been feeding my sorrow / discontent with my words….I have been describing fear… and fear… don’t know what else to call it. I sometimes just shrink from life… wishing for the other, and not being brave enough.. ( u figure that one out) I have always thought  of suicide since I was small…freon or pills but the truth is I am not that brave… I don’t know what it takes to actually despair so badly that extinguishing your existence makes sense.

ANYway.. I read something on FB that jolted me back into some sanity– which is supporting myself versus being my own critic… which is the foulest feeling that i know. The only time on this planet that I feel icky is when I am  not on the team.. MY TEAM! And it can be such a subtle feeling… I don’t even recognize when I fall off the fan page and int o the critical page. so subtle.. sometimes it is just a feeling that I have inside… no words at all.. like an attitude..I can feel… remember a cold shoulder…? I don’t have to be saying words to feel the heat or the love… it is more than words.. it is energy.

Anyway– this is about befriending oneself… and that is all.. I must use the language that supports contentment–or else there is an abyss and the fall is steep- with no gratification and only judgement and criticism – and that does not feel good… it feels familiar, but not good.

Language and attitude to ones self! I believe everything starts with words– or language… and yet so easily do I fall off the center… do you?

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