HALLEJUAH LANSBURGH my 6 yr old female cat , a solid member in my catamily started getting ill last week– there were changes in her behavior- like she missed a meal and started hanging out alone somewhere, that I never discovered. (while she was chilling there).. cats are like that…not like dogs…. not like humans or fish… they act like cats… and cats are very very gool!- of course, GOOL is a blend of good and cool…she was losing her vibrancy…. little by little… I gave her medicine, crossed my fingers and prayed… putting off going to the veterinarian, mainly because of the expense. There is a thought I have of shame for not being able to have that flexibility- but i do not.
To get to the point of what I am trying to communicate- Hallie’s systems were on failure- she had been on phenobarb since a kitty because of seizures- perhaps they contributed to the failure of her liver or kidney… that is what they do if they do. sometimes they don’t i guess. sort of like watching television and seeing the ohoh factor of what modern medicine does on the other side… not the benefits..
ANYWAY.. the veterinarian said this cat looks horrible,,, so . euthanasia…holding her as she passed… transcended to another realm ( i believe that)- but my human ness- loves her… is attached and saddens.. a very HUMAN, in this body feeling… ( not evolved enough- i guess) at my best I feel that I am energy living in this body…. but when attachment comes up… wowch!
Again the point! I am not comfortable with sadness. I actively convert it to anger and yesterday i wanted very much to let go of the energy of sad and convert to MAD! Pity the people in the way… I see that it is my normal… to not want to feel any sadness- or that ilk. I can retrace the genesis of the behavior… I can go waaaayyyy back in time – humans were always human and as a little girl i guess i thought that if you are loved… you would be treated that way… or lovingly..humans have their own issues..and if they are reacting to them love’s light dims… truly – it is not the word it is the verb.
THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED!! BE HERE NOW…. My teacher in Siddha Yoga-EST- The Power of Now– Ram Butler . The Secret… let me not forget Dianne and Alan Collins. and on and on, equals my window into serenity… my introduction that life was/is different then the way i was living it… and i felt misplaced…. never into Happily ever after….
ANYWAAAY– I watched and allowed the sad– by just holding it and honoring it…. it doesn’t last forever- I was bingeing on House of Cards to help… it helped … by me not going into mad..and doing some random attack on some poor human who happened to be in my vicinity… I am impressed with how I created the moment and did not let IT create me. KUDOS to the Cube! I learned I hope and think at least for the moment, which is really all we have.
Sad is a feeling I have to explore…. I am not familiar with it… I didn’t allow it.. unknowingly I was on rote behavior… mad creates the crust ( i think) the Fuck you! the Who cares?
Sad… does not leave dead bodies in its wake.. as mad can..
I feel ok- the sad has dissolved back into the energy and is not lingering… at 70 years old I am learning how to create happily!! and that is happy!