LIKING ONE”S SELF!!!! … seems as though that might be a key to the puzzle here…
There is one voice that can ruin my day anytime it activates in a critical fashion… it is my own !! Actually it doesn’t even have to be talking to be heard by me.. it can speak on a cellular level also…and I get a visceral hit of disdain, or a something is “wrong with me”.- kind of feeling… also very prevalent, is that there is something MISSING….. (here it is important to explain,,, that I am not sure what exactly IS missing… just sure that there is an ingredient that is necessary and is missing in action somewhere- ) and that creates it’s own sad, wordless story.- hanging like a cloud full of negative energy!
I don’t profess to really know why this IS… but it IS- at least, in my existence…. I believe it is learned, practiced and mastered! Being the smart, probably precocious and obviously adorable young girl that I was. I took up the language of “improvement here please ! “and not good enough…pretty early in my life … in this body..as this Ellen. Satisfaction became something in the Future-
I think this is a large part of the malaise we suffer here,,, the Never good enough- always can be better- “toby got straight A’s- shit…. it is bad enough when we live with it as children… but when we take it on and that white negative noise becomes the background music to our lives…… ohoh … not funderful not enjoyable… and so on…………..
I want to be funny– honest- kind- generous– authentic and entertaining , considerate (working on my patience) – OPEN MINDED and OPEN HEARTED!!
Back to the original thought…. Be who you like… and learn to be satisfied….I actually say to myself ( sometimes) “You are Fmazing!” when I do something that I like… and I am predisposed at this point to want to do likables as I have become quite conscious of Time and the value of it.. above all else… I want to INJOY my time on this planet in this body..