wowch!!!! mad is easier than sad!! for this human…

being mindful, love and loving, Miscellaneous

HALLEJUAH LANSBURGH my 6 yr old female cat , a solid member in my catamily started getting ill last week– there were changes in her behavior- like she missed a meal and started hanging out alone somewhere, that I never discovered. (while she was chilling there).. cats are like that…not like dogs…. not like humans or fish… they act like cats… and cats are very very gool!- of course, GOOL is a blend of good and cool…she was losing her vibrancy…. little by little… I gave her medicine, crossed my fingers and prayed… putting off going to the veterinarian, mainly because of the expense. There is a thought I have of shame for not being able to have that flexibility- but i do not.

To get to the point of what I am trying to communicate- Hallie’s systems were on failure- she had been on phenobarb since a kitty because of seizures- perhaps they contributed to the failure of her liver or kidney… that is what they do if they do. sometimes they don’t i guess. sort of like watching television and seeing the ohoh factor of what modern medicine does on the other side… not the benefits..

ANYWAY.. the veterinarian said this cat looks horrible,,, so . euthanasia…holding her as she passed… transcended to another realm ( i believe that)- but my human ness- loves her… is attached and saddens.. a very HUMAN, in this body feeling… ( not evolved enough- i guess) at my best I feel that I am energy living in this body…. but when attachment comes up… wowch!

Again the point! I am not comfortable with sadness. I actively convert it to anger and yesterday i wanted very much to let go of the energy of sad and convert to MAD! Pity the people in the way… I see that it is my normal… to not want to feel any sadness- or that ilk. I can retrace the genesis of the behavior… I can go waaaayyyy back in time – humans were always human and as a little girl i guess i thought that if you are loved… you would be treated that way… or lovingly..humans have their own issues..and if they are reacting to them love’s light dims… truly – it is not the word it is the verb.

THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED!! BE HERE NOW…. My teacher in Siddha Yoga-EST- The Power of Now– Ram Butler . The Secret… let me not forget Dianne and Alan Collins.  and on and on, equals my window into serenity… my introduction that life was/is different then the way i was living it… and i felt misplaced…. never into Happily ever after….

ANYWAAAY– I watched and allowed the sad– by just holding it and honoring it…. it doesn’t last forever- I was bingeing on House of Cards to help… it helped … by me not going into mad..and doing some random attack on some poor human who happened to be in my vicinity… I am impressed with how I created the moment and did not let IT create me. KUDOS to the Cube! I learned I hope and think at least for the moment, which is really all we have.

Sad is a feeling I have to explore…. I am not familiar with it… I didn’t allow it.. unknowingly I was on rote behavior… mad creates the crust ( i think) the Fuck you! the Who cares?

its cool ... to be kind

its cool … to be kind

Sad… does not leave dead bodies in its wake.. as mad can..

I feel ok- the sad has dissolved back into the energy and is not lingering… at 70 years old I am learning how to create happily!! and that is happy!



RIP… my dear kitten, Kiddo…or its Dawg…

Being aware ... being awake, being mindful, love and loving, Miscellaneous

I am really not sure who is the surviving twin… because I had to see them together, in order to tell them apart…but I know one was a runt and he hid the day I had my friend round up the kittens and take them to get adopted… and that is why he was here and his name was DAWG….

His twin brother is Kiddo… he had made the cut because of his personality…very adorable and playful. and then there were 2 more… in this Catamily we became 1 human creature and 6 feline creatures…(I am the human).

This morning around 4 am after a quick bite everyone ( mom,kiddo, dawg, and Loonie) went out to play. Helen is the mom, btw, not me… I went back to bed. I go back to sleep as it is our custom and that is just the way it is…in our house.

Everyone was home except for one… I just assumed it was Kiddo that stayed out cuz he is so boyish, fun and energetic… but at a certain hour it was uncomfortably strangish feeling  and me and Helen went out to see where he was…we walked and we both lolled around different places we thought he might be… he was not…

I asked a man on the grounds if he had seen a golden cat…. he had… it had been playing and laughing in the street- and had gotten in the way of a car…

We are sad… And we, me and my catamily  feel incredibly fortunate to have loved that katten, he was only 2 1/2 months or so old…and there will be a space of emptiness for bit…and life will fill it…

My granddaughter can tell the cats apart.. or Kathy can,  so I will find out who it is…by name anyway… This is a photo of the guy on the chair…IMG_2378

My stomach hurts a bit… these were the feelings I always thought I wasn’t strong enough to bear… I am.


cats.. all over the tables.. what is important? ..who decides?.. whadevah…

Being aware ... being awake, Miscellaneous

i feel like the mom of two, 7 yr old little guys  (kittens that are 2 months) and watching them is sweet fun…. they are in heaven when  they live in my home.. along with 4 more adult versions, my catamily, cause it is  decorated in the Sandford and Sons style of well used …and doncha  worry about it, there  is truthfully nothing for them to ruin except the art…

i always found a certain freedom to not caring about things and things…Like, it seemed if i invested actual  real caring and attachment to an  item.. it(the item) was then in a position of power over me… in a way… so. i liked not having it be new… i liked old … cause really how long is new able to say I AM NEW!!! i don’t think very long…I figured this out while I was  very very young… and for sure it had it’s yin and yang… cuz CARING is everything …..FORGODSSAKE! and CARING takes courage.

this stream of consciousness is going into ..value.. i think… who really knows…?? “sustained attention”  , is what Ken Burns was articulating as the element that gives Value or even reality  to a thing… situation… relationship…moment in our life..any and everything… i find that to be such an interesting thought, really   a great explanation of how… right?  BTW…listen to the interview with ken burns.. it was fascinating to say the least!

because, since i was small i have always wondered WHY? and how come?? and now that i am in the ladder years of this incarnation as ellenlansburgh i am always trying to catch the moment.. and give it some value … it is hard for me to RELAX.. and just be….with no strings attached..and no inner demand of myself, that i don’t actually say, but still feel on a physical level going thru my veins or whatever else is in become… and not be.

so when the PRESENT is actually all there is… that is the only time I can enjoy it… otherwise. i have some programs to reprogram lol….and i am not where my body is…. so where is that??? and who knows?? none.. which is why we might as well give Donald a chance..

ReallY??? who knows?



Mood swinging!!


whew…. feel like there is a veil over my mind…. i fear it might be known as sadness or depression…. usually i like something a bit more dramatic, like fear which would rapidly morph into anger …. and produce tons and tons of crusts!!!

Crusts, crusts,crusts…. keeping me from the moment… robbing me of the here and now … . Yes… that sounds pretty  familiar, at least. Familiar seems comforting… sadly  it blankets the possibility of the “out of the blue ” wonders that happen on a daily basis if i keep myself open-hearted

anyways,,, truly i just heard mewing!!!… gandered at the 6 little kittens that Helen of Troy had,,, and it is hard to feel very sad  while looking at that little family.  Boy they just get it right .. at least it seems… i mean you rarely meet a f-upped  dog.. or cat … they just are. just ..being..